Having walked a small person to school this morning I was enjoying the sunlight and noticing the shadows that were being cast by buildings and people. When the sunshine appears it is best to make the most of it, and so today I enjoyed two walks and the realisation that it has been the first time in several months that I have walked further than the door to the car door. I’m hoping that the sun might have further lightened my highlights.
Enjoying the sun further added to my knowledge that I miss walking, but I also miss walking with a good companion. Until this time last year, I walked 8 miles at least once a fortnight with a friend. Knowing that I would be meeting someone meant that the walk happened. The knowledge that those walks will no longer happen cast shadows through my thoughts today, for I miss a friendship as well as the exercise.
There are all sorts of shadows on the relationship, and I suspect there are no ways in which the distance that lies between two former friends can be reduced. Both parties feel hurt, one feels betrayed, and I imagine that the other feels judged and ignored.
How did a friendship come to this? Human relationships are always complex, and I suppose we always hope that some kind of redemption might be possible. Some distances are created because of the right words said at the wrong time. Sometimes we put distance between others because ill health means we want to put our own wants and needs first.
The shadows of today are of anger at being used to hide a secret, and only recognising the duplicity as different stories fitted together. They are of trying to keep a door open with conversation, only to be pushed to the borders. They are of hearing what is being said, when no conversation has happened for a year. But perhaps the biggest shadow of all is knowing that the other bears a shoulder full of grievance, and will not talk.
Will there be resolution? I suspect not. Having extended an olive branch in recent months, a card came in return that was definitely closure on the friendship. Both hurt, both stubborn.